Wednesday, November 15, 2006

You Can Be a Writer!

Can you describe the following, with words you might use in everyday conversation?

If you said something such as “drawing,” “hubby,” “prison bitch,” “Johnny Depp in that movie,” “my crack dealer,” or “horny Uncle Jim,” you can be a writer!

It’s easy to enter the wonderful world of the written word. The Bookfraud School of Writing can help make your dreams of literary success come true—and you’ll be shocked at how easy it is!

Through our correspondence school, you will be able to master writing like never before! Just think: soon, you can be a full-fledged member of the world of “literature” without any difficult years of reading, classes, or endless hours at the computer.

You don’t need to get any fancy degrees like an M.F.A. in writing—I can tell you from personal experience, you’d do better by investing in Enron! And don’t worry if you lack a college or even high school degree, and your idea of “literature” is "Dancing With the Stars." Our E-Z, stay-at-home, learn-at-your-own-pace course will have you writing in no time!

Here’s just a small sample of what you get with the Bookfraud School of Writing instruction plan.

Lesson 1 — The Basics: After your first check clears, you’ll receive a set of simple yet illuminating exercises to get you on the “road to riches.” For instance,

Every day, sit down with a pen and paper, and write for 10 minutes. Anything that comes to mind, as long as you keep putting words on paper. It will free your mind of doubt. Only use words with four letters or less.

Multiple choice: You’ve sat down to write but feel stuck. Do you a) keep trying; b) eat several bowls of Count Chocula; c) watch “Sanford and Son” reruns; or d) play “Wango Tango” at 11 and do air guitar with a pool cue? (Remember—there are no wrong answers!)

Learn at home!

Practice your sensory descriptions by filling in the blank: “Bookfraud is a _________. ” Be as detailed as possible—let your imagination run wild!

Which of the following is NOT a struggling writer: waiter or billionaire?

An adjective is a word that modifies a noun. An adverb modifies a verb. Use them wisely.

Lesson 2 — Intermediate Study: Following Lesson 1, you'll receive a list of “writer’s secrets” that you’ll usually learn only after years of intense study. Take, for example, the following:

One of the most important lessons in writing is to “show, don’t tell.” It's the same thing you might hear at a highway rest stop.

A famous old writer's saw goes like this: if your favorite writer is Shakespeare, Joyce, Faulkner, or Pynchon, your book will sell about 16 copies.

Never start a sentence with “and.” Also, don’t start a sentence with “Jism.”

If you want to write a best-selling novel, include long chunks of dialog that sound like they’ve been lifted from a potted-meat food product instruction manual: “‘I beg of you to reconsider. You don’t want to use the XC-491 with the infrared scope and automatic re-loading, which is not to be confused with the XC-490, which had slight defects in the night vision gyroscoping, when you are in a firefight with maximum payloads in a high-stress battle situations when collateral civilian damage is feared. Please, as your wife, I beg you.’” (Tom Clancy, watch out!)

Lesson 3 — Advanced: Exercise your powers of description—and your lyrical use of language—by sending us a 10,000-word account of your hottest sexual experience. The more details, the better. In fact, send pictures. Double points if you are a lipstick lesbian, or if it involved three or more women.

Lesson 4 — Master's Degree Level: Read The “DaVinci Code,” and study how Dan Brown structures his plot, writes dialog, and his use of language. If you think that this is a great book, you are halfway to writing your own best-seller.

And don’t forget to send in that second check!

Lesson 5 — Rocket Science: Now you’re really close to becoming a “master writer.” Sit down and write a novel of at least 300 pages. Don’t worry if it’s any good—we’ll be happy to critique it for a small fee.

Lesson 6 — Einstein and Beyond: It's time to graduate! We’ll explore the “ins and outs” of finding a literary agent and publisher for your completed work. Don’t listen to those “nattering nabobs of negativism” who complain about their agents, and say it is impossible to get their novel published. It’s simple, and you don’t have to sleep with more than two strangers, neither of whom has an STD!

Don’t worry if those lessons seem difficult—our handy, 15-page instruction booklet will guide you through the process!

Brainfood for writing

But don’t fret if the “world of fiction” isn’t for you. There’s helpful tips on obtaining a writing jobs in accounting, aerospace, agriculture—and that’s just for the letter “a”!

Yes, the Bookfraud School of Writing can help you get that career you've always dreamed of, like writing technical literature for auto-parts manufacturers.

And remember, if all else fails, you can always write a blog!

Sign up today! (Cashier's checks or money orders only.)