Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I Need Your Help November 7

(Phone rings)






(Long pause.)

Hello, this is Jim Dongle, asking for your help on November 7.


On November 7, this country will go to the polls to decide what they want for this country's future. Now, my opponents will have you think that their tax-and-spend, pro-abortion, cut-and-run platforms are good for the nation—

(Hangs up.)

(Next day. Phone rings.)


Hi, my name is Jim Dongle--

Goddamnit, hello?

...and in a few days, you're going to the polls to decide whether you want a strong, steady voice in Congress, or a weak pussy Democrat--

Goddamn fucking recorded message! (Hangs up.)

(Next day. Phone rings. "Blocked Number" on Caller I.D., but Bookfraud foolishly answers, hoping a certain woman is returning his calls.)

Hello? Uma, is that you?

Hello, this is Jim Dongle. If you don't elect me, Osama will become Dictator, sell you into slavery, and worst of all, take away your SUV as we cede the country to the bad guys.

Vote early, vote often

(Slams phone to receiver. Calls directory assistance. Gets phone number. Calls it.)

Hello, the Campaign to Re-Elect Jim Dongle. Hello?

Recorded voice: "Hello, my name is Bookfraud. And on November 7, I want Jim Dongle to help me—"

(Person on other end hangs up, but is immediately called back.)

Hello, the Campaign to Re-Elect Jim Dongle.

Recorded voice: "With your help, candidate Dongle, I want to eliminate the politics in the writing world. Together, I know we can do it."

(Hangs up. An hour later, phone rings)

Hello, the Campaign to Re-Elect Jim Dongle.

Recorded voice: "You see, Jim Dongle has the power to ensure that the thousands of crappy books published each year don't see the light of day. On November 7, Jim Dongle, using special powers given to him by the President, will declare a moratorium on book publishing in this nation, in the name of security."

I'm not hanging up, whoever you are. Just play your tape and get it over with.

Recorded voice: "Thanks. As I was saying, Jim Dongle can put a stop to the plague of awful literature sickening our great nation. We can make sure that Dan Brown, Danielle Steele, and Candice Bushnell never subject American readers to the nauseating dogshit they call literature."


Recorded voice: "Think of it. A land in which great literature flows across the open prairie, from sea to shining sea. A land in which people of all colors, ethnicities, and body types can be free of the weight upon our necks known as Chick Lit or Fan Lit or quasi-plausible thrillers and courtroom dramas. A land in which we all read books by great writers, like myself."

Yeah, whatever. Are you going to do what, a book burning or something?

Bad books win, he wins

Recorded voice: "Well, hell, let's get this out in the open! If you can record my phone conversation and torture innocent men because they own a copy of the Qu'ran, you can give me the power to save this nation from a threat as great as terrorism!"

Bad books? You think terrorism is the same as bad books?

Recorded voice: "If our nation is continuously subjected to crap literature and Ann Coulter, their brains will turn to mush! We will just become a nation of docile TV watchers who allow the forces of fascism to take over just as long as we have our Plum Sykes and John Grisham! If 'The Bridges of Madison County' wins, the terrorists win!"

OK, are you happy now? Are you going to stop calling?

Recorded voice: "Thank you for your time. I'm Bookfraud, and I approved this message."