Monday, March 06, 2006

Extra-Gratuitous Bonus Blog: Coolest Rock Non-Lyrics

Because I had a rare urge to compose a list, triggered by my thoughts on Tchaikovsky, Vladimir Horowitz, and the fear that about four people on the planet will care about such thoughts and everybody else will skip over them, no matter how brilliant, here’s my personal compendium of the coolest things that have been said in the middle or at the end of rock songs.

I don’t know why I have 13, except it was late, I wrote this in a few minutes, and I have no idea of what I was doing. I will regret this in the morning, but don't think I'm easy.

Let me know your favorites!

13. "His power is in your hands." Helmet, "Gigantor" theme. It’s cool. Trust me. It’s cooler than me, even.

12. "This monkey wants a word with you." Mark Mothersbaugh, Devo, “Smart Patrol/Mr. DNA.” I love a song with the lyrics, “Smart patrol/nowhere to go/suburban robots that monitor reality.” I mean, I love all of the many songs with those lyrics in them.

11. “Get down!” Mick Jagger, near the end of “Street Fighting Man.” I know this wasn’t spontaneous. Mick and Keith planned it out for months, years. But it’s still coooooooool.

Wish fulfillment

10. "And I've given away no secrets!" Joe Strummer, The Clash, “Clampdown.” OK, it’s part of the lyrics. He didn’t say it as a spontaneous rage against capitalism and intolerance. I don’t care. I also told this to Wife about something having to do with kilts. Never mind.

9. “Aww, walk the dog!” Elvis Presley, “Blue Suede Shoes.” Proof that before he Dilaudid, fried lard sandwiches, and shooting televisions took over his life, Elvis was cool. In fact, he was cooler after he discovered shooting TVs.

8. “I got blisters on my fingers!” John Lennon, “Helter Skelter.” I still don’t know what the fuck John was talking about. It’s cool. But what the fuck was John talking about? If he played guitar, he would have calluses on his fingers! He couldn’t have gotten blisters!

7. “Hey, what’s in it for me? What is this? Hey gimmie…where are my socks? Where are my underwear?” Joey Ramone, The Ramones, “We’re a Happy Family.” Thus wraps up a song that begins, “Sitting here in Queens, eating refried beans.” Poetry.

Joe, R.I.P.

6. “Walk it home.” Lou Reed, Velvet Underground, from “Waiting for the Man.” It’s a song about scoring heroin in Harlem. I can’t say I have a lot of experience doing that, though there was that time in Wyoming. Just me and another cowboy, up in the mountains, tending sheep. There was an erotic note in the air. I was experiencing something I had never felt before, feelings for another man. Unfortunately, this retarded guitar riff that just won an an Academy Award was playing over and over and over and over until it rendered me permanently impotent.

5. “Don't stop me!” Bon Scott, AC/DC, in Highway to Hell. Well, it kinda sounds spontaneous. Don’t stop Bon from going to hell! Which, sadly, is probably where the poor mate ended up.

4. “We are Spinal Tap from the UK! You must be the U.S.A.!” David St. Hubbins, Spinal Tap, “Tonight We’re Going to Rock You (Tonight!),” movie soundtrack only. The perfect introduction for the Tap’s spectacular U.S. tour. And to think, the first time I saw this movie, there were heavy metal heads thinking that this was a real concert film.

It's fucking awful

3. “Oooooh, yeah!” Mick again, at the very, very end of Sympathy for the Devil. I guess you had to be there. Which means 16, driving around the suburbs, and fried out of your gourd.

2. “It’s fucking awful. Stop it! Stop it! It’s fucking awful! Torture!” Johnny Rotten, in the middle of recording Johnny B. Goode/Roadrunner. He didn’t know the words. He made this up instead. I couldn't have said it better myself.

1. “Move over rover, and let Jimi take over! ” An oh-so-obvious choice, but I can’t help myself. (If I have to tell you who said this and in what song, you really need to get out of the house more. Or, I will send you an illegal file of the song. For real.)

Five of these people are dead. None are women. I have no idea what this means, except that I'm obsessed with death and am a mysoginist. I tried to think of a quote from Chrissie Hynde (not dead!) or Janis Joplin (dead!), but alas. I think that Grace Slick (not dead!) sang at the end of a song, "do it 'till you make her..." but since this is a family newspaper and this indicates that a woman might actually enjoy sex, I won't print it.

Also, if you’re reading this, it means you got to the end.