I've Got Mail

My life has gotten interesting since I signed up for e-mail.

For instance, a week ago I had a dream in which I played baseball on a day that was extremely HOT; HOUSEWIVES were in the crowd. I hit the ball STRONG AND SUPER LONG. If I'd hit the ball an EXTRA 6 INCHES!!! I would have gone ALL THE WAY. We live in the country, but a good night's sleep for me is a MIRACLE. "COCKS-a-doodle doo!" the rooster beckoned at 4 a.m.

The next day was Sunday, and my wife and I went to church. After services, I asked the reverend if I could become a lay minister. “A position of LAY? VIA GRAham FOR YOU,” he said. "I mean, through Billy Graham’s ministry."


Sing, heavenly muse

We went home and watched a documentary on AMAZON PHISHING DANGERS. The natives were NAKED; CELEBRITIES hosted the show. We switched the station to a show where a drug deal was going down in a shopping mall. A character yelled, “You want me to PAY? PAL, SECURITY NOTICES everything.”

The next day, before I went to work, I put on my FREE IPOD!!! , and played Atomic Kitten's CAN'T MISS THIS, the Talking Heads’ ONCE IN A LIFETIME, and Elvis Costello's OPPORTUNITY. Usually, when I go to work, I have a CLEAR, HARD DRIVE. NOW! I couldn’t because the car’s acceleration was LIMP; DIPSTICK? readings showed the oil was low.

I took the train instead. The commute was great, because the train fares had GREAT LOW RATES! But the crossword puzzle was as HARDER AND LONGER than the day before. I read a newspaper story about endangered eagles, which were BALD. NO MORE! would the GOVERNMENT AGENCY WATCH over them.

Next to me, a fellow was reading about a hatchery that never delivered its goods to poultry farms, leaving the birds high and dry. It was actually a BOOK. “FRAUD: CHICKS ARE WAITING,” it was called.

I struck up a conversation with the man next to me. He was a businessman. “I own a MEXICAN PHARMACY and sell CANADIAN DRUGS,” he said. The new locale had 500% MORE VOLUME than his old place.

There was turmoil when I got into the office. People were bothering me, they just wouldn't let me BE. MY OWN BOSS was even yelling and screaming. I was working on a project of involving Colorado’s biggest airport, so I did a search on YaHOO!: “DIA WEIGHT; LOSS ratios,” I typed in.

At lunch, I went to the diner across the street, only to remember that it had been accused of serving cat meat. I didn't want to EAT PUSSY even if the owner said she would LOVE ME FOR IT, so I went somewhere else. At the other place, the waitress brought me soup that was really STEAMING. "MAN, CHOWDER is great!" I said.

I dropped my cash on the floor. "Pick that up," the waitress said. "NO MONEY DOWN!" But after I had eaten, I thought I was going to be sick. The waitress said, "I can't give you cash back, but I’ll admit, your food is BAD. CREDIT?"

I also went to a house wares store. I wanted to buy a hammer, so I asked if they had one in STOCK. "PRICES LOWER than ever before," they said. Instead I bought some gloves that were made of STEEL. "HARD ON the hands, aren't they?" the manager said. I also bought a bedspread for my wife so large that I could COVER HER IN IT.

Back at my desk, I listened to a ESPN radio interview by a guy named Joe Moneypenny interviewed a former basketball player, World B. FREE. “MONEY, AT HOME there’s lots of ladies for this playa,” he said.

I couldn’t leave work fast enough that day. I'm in community theater, and after work, I went to an audition. But I stood on stage and did nothing. The casting director, pressed for time, yelled, "ACT NOW! YOU HAVE TO ACT NOW!" But I didn’t get the part of the Minotaur because I couldn’t BE HORNY ON DEMAND.

As I was walking home, Wife called me and said she'd cooked a big meal at home, so I should CUM HUNGRY. Dinner was delicious, but I wanted to give my food to people who were hungry, especially WOMEN WHO NEED IT BAD. They have full households to take care of.

When I got home, my wife had a surprise for me -- a new pet, a 20-foot boa constrictor. He was angry looking, but I was so happy that I had THE LONGEST MOST INTENSE ORGAniSM EVER.

That night, I went online. "You have no messages," it said.

BE SURE AND E-MAIL THIS TO EVERYBODY YOU KNOW.