Monday, February 13, 2006

Haiku to the Chief

One of my many White House contacts, who have been courting me assiduously ever since my 15 seconds of recognition last week, called me in a trembling voice.

"Hey, 'fraud, we have something for you," said one of the many "high-level contacts" in my extensive intelligence network. Turns out, he was leaking haiku. George W. Bush-written haiku. I'll bet you didn't know that our President wrote poetry. I sure didn't.

This is all top-secret, hush-hush: even Alberto "VO-5" Gonzales can't even write a twisted legal opinion approving it, a la torture or wiretapping or an Oval Office showing of the NC-17 director's cut of "Brokeback Mountain."

Haiku is his middle name

I have posted haiku once before, in the name of Elvis. Now, if you, the reader, are thinking, "what a cheap, sleazy, lazy way to make a new entry, posting other people's poetry, while recycling an old idea," you are absolutely correct.

But still. President Bush's haiku must be exposed to the harsh light of public knowledge, so that we can have a free and thriving democracy!

What I have to do
is stand tall to Osama
if I could find him

When a hippie asked,
‘War? What is it good for?" it
Was a trick question

Hidden WMDs
Iraqis are evildoers
Saddam tossed a loaf

Vice said I’d messed up
Dick had turned totally red
begged for His mercy

It is so true that
wealth is earned by the owner
just like I have done

The new budget has
no Al Gore-like fuzzy math
There’s no math at all

Just try to keep up

Even though gays are God’s
children, they should not marry,
but I like their clothes

Burning Danish flags
Why? It’s not like we’re talking
about Jesus here

I don't know why you
could hate Muhammad, as he
knocked out George Foreman

They said I was “dissed”
at Coretta’s funeral --
What does dis mean? Really?

Brownie got bad press
He did a heck of a job
Sucking up for work

New Orleans flooded
I had cried a million tears
Pat O’Brien’s was gone

Plato, Socrates
Nietzsche, Hegel, Sartre, Rousseau
Read ‘em all on tape

Can’t let due process
block me from fighting for the
American way

We’re wiretappin’
All around the great big globe
Why do they hate us?

We have to listen
to foreigners talkin’ trash
Makes Dick kinda hot

The only thing that
I thought was going to be tapped
was a keg of Coors

If this is the last you hear of me, you will know the reason why. Send your cards and letters in c/o Abu Ghraib.